Ed Miliband is Useless

Useless Tosser?

So, the Tories' flat-back four defence went on holiday this week and left a huge - a massively huge - and gaping net for Labour to score several goals. Unfortunately, Labour's centre-forward was fiddling around in midfield playing keepie-uppie and failed to notice the opportunities that were going begging. What a wanker. Blair would have had a football field day, and would probably have had the time to  have started a couple of illegal wars while he was kicking the shit out of the Coalition. Even Brown might have scored a couple of goals. But Mr. Ed? Not a chance. He really is fucking useless...but why so? Here's just a few sample reasons:

1) He's never had a proper job. He's just a policy wonk that had a little bit of credibility because his dad was a respected leftie. When you grow up in that sort of family and then you do PPE at Oxford along with the rest of the wannabe political class, then I suppose there's only one, inevitable career option.

2) He was manoeuvered into a safe Labour seat (although, having said that, so was Bradford West, supposedly). The good people of Doncaster North must have been just oh-so delighted to see this slightly posh, plummy-mouthed southerner on their Labour ticket. He won the seat in 2005; this in spite of Gordon Brown going to South Yorkshire personally to help his former adviser's campaign, although on this occasion he wasn't caught insulting a voter.

3) He got married just because the party thought he should. Having had the conviction just to partner-up and have a family with Justine Thornton, he was persuaded by his supporters to get hitched shortly after Labour's defeat in the 2010 general election and then went on to win the labour leadership in the September as a traditionally married man. Ed said he and Justine had always planned to marry...pants on fire. They even trod on a glass at the wedding as a 'mark of respect' for the Judaism he's never practised.

4) Ed can't help having a silly, adenoidal voice. His one hour conference address last year must have driven some party members to the bar early or, in the worst case, to suicide. Neither can he help the way he looks and the ease with which he can be compared to Nick Park's Wallace. And yet somehow the Labour Party allowed themselves to elect him as leader instead of his brother...or anyone else...even the other Ed or even Yvette. What were they thinking? At his first conference as leader, he launched his big idea..."The New Bargain". This is something that has galvanised the public to such an extent that it is talked about even less than the "Big Society".

5) Worst ever political interview? Judge for yourselves in the famous "Put aside the rhetoric..." train-wreck.

So what should Ed Miliband have done last week to capitalise on the Tory debacles?

Well, let's start with he shouldn't have done, shall we? He shouldn't have organised a photo-opportunity at the Redditch branch of Greggs. Him and 'Other-Ed' bought eight sausage rolls in order to inform the public that George Osborne is a git (like we didn't already know). In the little interview piece after the purchase, Miliband tells us that the government is "out of touch" because of the VAT on sausage rolls. WTF? Partly because Cameron had already made some fatuous shit up about loving pasties and had thus widened the open goal, Miliband just couldn't see beyond 'Pastygate' as an opportunity. As usual, he was laughably poor and failed to land any punches, even on something as basic as a pasty. Indeed, the Eds looked more pleased with themsleves at having successfully gone to a shop and bought some food...something that neither has done, in all likelihood...for some time. And Greggs got lots of lovely free advertising. Here's some more: their cheese and onion pasties are to die for (eventually, after three a day for twenty years).

When Cruddas was found out by The Sunday Times for selling access to Cameron, it should have all been over; general election called, coalition booted out and a faux-socialist government installed within weeks. That kind of sleaze is the sort of thing that - once upon a time - brought down governments. But that's not how it works these days and that's probably a good thing in many ways. So Cameron kicks Cruddas's arse out of Tory HQ, spins some yarn about not knowing he was being sold for £250k a dinner and that was that. Where was Miliband? He was desperately trying to get information out about HIS fucking dinners, breakfasts and coffee mornings to make him look better than Cameron. Once again, he missed the open goal by retreating into his own half and defending his own goal, on the totally misguied assumption that anyone actually gave a shit about whom Ed liked to entertain. For sure, Labour (the 'New' variety) did some sleazy crap under Blair but nothing like the idiots at Tory HQ. If there is a higher moral ground in politics then Ed had the chance to ascend it. Instead, he just tried to persuade everyone that he wasn't in the pocket of the unions by listing the informal tetes-a-tete with Unite bosses and the others; meetings that nobody gives a toss about because they weren't 'paid' for by rich and privileged bastards that want to influence government to make them even richer and more bastardy. Jesus...

Petrol. This was Miliband's biggest miss. The fuel tanker drivers feel they need to get things sorted. That's OK. They threaten industrial action which, in itself, is OK too as long as it makes all the parties concerned get together and sort it out with compromises through arbitration. Government then decides to take the initiative, assuming that the nasty, socialist, common driver-folk (average wage: £45k p.a.) will strike and we can look forward to "carmageddon" on the fuel forecourts. Step up to the plate, then, Francis Maude, who was responsible for the partial immolation of a woman in York, apparently. I respect Miliband for not getting on that particular tabloid horse but what he should have done was get on the blower to his bacon-buttie mate McCluskey and score some political points by making sure Unite understood what their money was supposed to be doing...like getting a Labour government. But he didn't...because he doesn't know how and doesn't know anybody that does.

Then here are some of the things that Ed has brought upon himself and his party:

Bradford West: Safe seat. Nothing to worry about. Let's just go and spend some time at Greggs with 'Other Ed' and some film crews. What the fuck was that!? Galloway!? Shit! Bollocks! Ed was in Doncaster pretending to be a constituency MP and had planned to go forty miles further north that day and celebrate the by-election victory. On learning of the monumental defeat, he retreated to London instead going to Bradford to find out for himself what the hell happened.

In The Observer today - Ed does an interview where he suggests that he will win the next general election. Then he introduces his alien friends that abducted him and told him that this was true. Then he left the interview accompanied by an eight foot tall white rabbit called "Harvey" before being sectioned.

Every time Miliband opens his stupid, vascillating gob he makes the Coalition appear more credible and his puerile attempt at opposition less so.

I've a theory that Labour has been brow-beaten by the Tories into accepting that everything is still their fault almost 2 years on. A "week" might be a long time in politics, so two years is a lifetime. The Tories keep reminding us that everything is New Labour's fault and Ed is still trying to defend it, as is 'Other Ed' and the rest of the inept shadow cabinet.

At this rate,  the sixteen years of Thatcher / Major will be eclipsed.

Come on, David Miliband. Your party and your country awaits...and if you can't be arsed, it'll be your fault when Blair / Mandelson come back. On the other hand, there's always Ken if Boris does him over in London next month.

R.I.P Labour...